Monologuing

Mr. Bond I see you’ve ingested my poison.

Getting the antidote is simple. First, look up your choice of local doctors on this website to see if they’re in-network, then cross-reference against the PDF we sent you weeks ago to make sure they’re in your PPO. By the way, have you created your login yet? I hope you still have your plan ID card handy with the 24 digit, 6 pixel-high number on it. Share your social security number and verify your last three home addresses before the poison sinks in.

Next, call the doctor’s office to see if your primary care provider is available but hear that it’ll be at least 3 weeks, and hear that it’s been quite a while since your last visit and you’ll say “you told me it would take 3 weeks the last two times I called so I went to an urgent care instead.” They’ll say they’ve got a new nurse practitioner who can see you possibly this week—as soon as Thursday afternoon if you can make it before 8am or after 5pm. They’ll remind you if you choose urgent care it comes with the automatic $100 co-pay and doctors that don’t know your allergies. If you do choose to go to the emergency room, there’s first the $1,200 ambulance ride to contend with, then the knowledge that it’ll be at least four to six hours of waiting for a doctor as they are currently busy with other patients and more urgent matters and they really hope your closest hospital is in-network.

Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to continue to wait on hold because your call is very important to us and may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.