I couldn’t have planned today

I couldn’t have planned today in my wildest dreams (or worst nightmares). I was having a nice, normal day until my father emailed a friend and frequent poster to MetaFilter, who then posted a photo of me as a kid. That would have been all well and good if it were a normal harmless photo, but it wasn’t. It was a photo I hadn’t seen in years, a photo that instantly reminded me why I didn’t have a completely normal childhood. It brought back a lot of painful memories that I didn’t even know I still had in me. To me, the photo represents a lost childhood in some ways. When I was a kid, I didn’t play much sports because I wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t enjoy myself when I played or goofed off because there was always the threat of a horrible accident looming over me. The photo, while it looks harmless, marks the precise point at which my having a perfect childhood stopped being a possibility.

My Dad didn’t know any of this, he probably thought it was just a cute and embarrasing photo. The fact that he didn’t know it brought up many more issues. Issues of communication between him and I, and issues about a lack of understanding of one another.

It’s a lot to think about for me, and frankly, I’m exhausted from going over these things in my mind.